Updates and Thoughts

Hello to all. Our most recent amazing news is that my CEA is down to 4.5! My heart was soaring when I was told and felt that beautiful emotion of hope. Thank you God.
I will be going for a pet/ct scan on the 29th. I feel very positive about these scans they will be a good checkpoint.

I had my most recent chemo last friday, and the week that follows is a difficult one for me both emotionally and physically. I am starting to feel better today, especially on the emotional side of things. I keep thinking of those words from Jesus, "who, by worrying can add a day to their life?" Much easier said than done but it is so true. Ever since I was diagnosed I look at the elderly and think "how did you get here, how did you make it to be old, I demand you tell me!"
But then it comes back to me that it is all out of our hands. And that is most likely a good thing.

It is a struggle at times to mentally blast through the negative. I told a nurse today at my erbitux infusion how I told Dr. Dan that I will be living well into my 80's or so, and she said (in a kind way) "hey never say never." I thought to myself these people are crazy! They think I am not gonna beat this!? It genuinely surprises me. They are not being cold but they know what they know and have seen what they have seen but I still say horse@!#*! But it is those kind of things that push you back sometimes and try to lure you to the dark side of your thoughts.

I also been thinking/dealing a lot with the superficial side effects of my meds. Since I have started the erbitux/cpt-11 combo I have been learning a lot about humility. My hair is definitely down the tubes (though I have been very fortunate to keep it this long). I will be shearing myself (well my friend Jill will be shaving it) probably in the next week or two and getting ready for a nice spring buzz cut. My skin is an acne-sandpaper disaster and God has decided to top it all off by giving me a nice mustache. Yes I said mustache. And I am not talking about the run of-the-mill female type of upper lip hair. I am talking about an italian-13-year-old boy type mustache deal (this is from the erbitux). I will be heading to the waxers soon. I mostly joke about these things and say they don't matter, but it still bothers me and obviously makes me a bit on the self-conscious side. I think to myself "you look hideous, you look terrible." Then I go out and people aren't running away screaming and I think, okay maybe I am not that scary.
When I am at Syd's school or at a party for one of her friends I do think "please don't judge me I'm a nice person!" When the parents are talking to me I am hardly listening because I am thinking "are they staring at my 'stache? Are they staring at my bald spots? Do they know I have cancer?" I am not going to lie, it's a hard lesson to learn. But I am learning from this that, yes, your exterior is your exterior, and doesn't reflect at all who you really are. I never realized that I struggled so much with this before but I obviously have. I know this sounds all very cliche, but it is my experience at the moment.

Thank you as always for your prayers and support, and I say to those who are struggling with whatever battle faces them to pray for courage.

I just want to also send out a delayed congrats to my sister Jen and her fiance Walter as they recently got engaged and are getting married this fall. We are very happy for you both.

I also want to thank my husband for his unconditional love and his tremendous strength. For listening to me and allllllllllll my many complaints, and for kissing me on the lips even though the stubble of my mustache scratches him. You are my hero, and I love you.

Much love,
Karen

A Year with Cancer

Karen's doing well. Next chemo is this Friday.

Has it really been a year? April's here, and so I suppose I should mark the occasion. Karen was diagnosed on April 07th of 2007 and if you're just joining us you can catch up here [LINK].

On the one hand I could say the year has flown by. On the other it seems like a million years. A full year with an 800lb gorilla in the room.

Sometimes I feel like this year was stolen from us. Yet on the other hand we've probably grown more in this year alone than in the many years prior.

We've also encountered so many kind people and been blessed in many ways. This was always the case but now we are more cognizant of these blessings. As a friend of mine would say "we are living on the edge" and things are very raw.

I've known Karen since 1995, we'll be 10 years married in October. She's an amazing person and I can honestly say I've never been more proud of her.

I'm An 11 Baby!

Just a quick update. I had my 3rd chemo treatment last friday and as usual felt like crap up until today but that's usual.

More importantly, I got a call Monday morning from one of the nurses Kathy from Dr. Moriarty's office. My cea level is an 11!!!!!!!!! That is an ELEVEN!!!!! God is so amazing.

I just want to digress from cancer talk for once (how refreshing).

I want to dedicate this great news to our dear Grandma Rose who past away last week. She has been in our lives for forever. Always remembering every birthday, anniversary, and was present for everyone's special times in life. She always took care of herself and she always looked great. She was a very thoughtful, loving human being. She will always be in our hearts. We love you Grandma Rose.

Much Love,
Karen

Here's To An Enjoyable Easter!

Hello to all. I know I haven't posted in awhile but as Sydney tells her little brother sometimes (when he asks why) "because that's just the way it is."
Well I guess first the practicals. I am going for my 3rd chemo tomorrow along with good old erbitux, and then just one more (I think) until I can get my scan on. I have been feeling good the last two weeks, and just have this REALLY annoying severe dry skin but that is really it.

I just want to reiterate my thanks to everyone out there for their prayer and support and love. I cannot believe it is almost one year ago that all of this horrible stuff started. I can't speak for other people who have/had cancer but I don't think I will ever completely get over the shock. I still have days where I think maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and this will all be a dream. I sit in chemo and think and genuinely wonder "what the heck am I doing here?" There are days when all I want to do is sit in my bed feel sorry for myself, and cry my eyes out. And there are days when I actually feel great, and have this amazing energized feeling and I think "I don't have cancer, what a joke." That thought doesn't last long but I like to pretend for a bit.
Anyhow I generally feel/am pretty positive about the whole thing. I am a firm believer in mind over matter and of course I have all my eggs in the Jesus Christ basket. (yes that was very corny, so corny I just laughed at myself so I must leave it).

Thank you to everyone for all the meals, sending housekeepers, the babysitters, the chauffeurs, the emails, phone calls, cards, letters, and those to whom I subject to my complaining (yes I complain quite a bit). I am sorry for the generalizations but you all know who you are. I don't want to list people and leave anyone out. I love you all very much. I also want to thank everyone for understanding when I don't get back to messages right away, or phone calls, and when I don't attend things (and aren't asked why). I also want to thank all those who take the time to reach out to me when they themselves are going through their own cancer battles. It really touches me and gives me great strength.

I know they don't know about the blog but I also just want to mention that I am receiving and am so thankful for the amazing care I am getting from Dr. Moriarty and the staff there. I genuinely feel like I am their only patient.

I hope everyone has a great Easter and has lots of candy.

Much love,
Karen

6th Erbitux and The Circus

Karen's doing well. We awoke the other day to find this huge oak on down after some high winds. Amazingly hardly any damage done our neighbor's house.

Don't see that every day.

Karen's at Overlook today getting her 6th does of Erbitux. She's tolerating it despite severe dry skin on her hands and some bad skin cracking and rash etc..

Yesterday was a great day. I took the day off and Karen and I took Sydney and Ethan to the circus. I don't have many pics as they didn't allow flash photography. Here's a couple we snapped off before being scolded.

As it turns out I had actually worked with two of the clowns in the circus and knew them from a previous life. I hadn't seen them in about 14 years so it was quite surreal. The kids had a terrific time and loved every minute of it. I think by the time the show was over they were ready to pack of and join the troupe.

This coming Friday is Good Friday and Karen will be getting chemo + erbitux. On Sunday I am traveling to London for a brief business trip but will be back Wednesday night to help out.

It was a lot of fun to go out as a family and we are aiming to plan many more such outings over the summer.

5th Erbitux Treatment

After another tough week, Karen's starting to feel better. She had chemo on the 28th and normally is feeling a little better by the following Sunday. This time the nausea, tiredness and crappy feelings hung around all week. She's been having massive cramping and gas among other problems. On the 6th she had her 5th Erbitux treatment. This has been tolerable but caused a huge rash and lots of related problems. The pain in her side was written off to just things settling down. Her liver function is normal and it is not enlarged by any means.

To cap things off, she ended up in hospital yesterday unexpectedly due to de-hydration. A few hours hooked to an IV solved that.

Surely all this indicates the drugs are working and we can expect great scans in another 8 weeks?

Since she's on CPT-11, her hair has given up the ghost and is falling out in determined fashion. I don't think even with her thick mane we can avoid shaving this time around, although Karen's full of surprises.

Despite paying our life insurance last Jan, they called this week and said we were late by over a month and that a LAPSE notice had been placed on our policy. What a bunch of balony! Of course our payments are well documented so they had to admit the inaccuracy.

In other financial related news, Karen has already met and exceeded our yearly out of pocket maximum yet our medical insurance continues to bill us. I need to call them.

You know what though? Life goes on, we are full of resolve, our marriage is as strong as ever, the kids are a tremendous joy to us and we're going to the circus as a family on Thursday. So screw cancer.

4th Erbitux, 2nd Chemo Treatment

Karen's been having sharp pain in the right side of her abdomen the last 24hours. This is similar she says to the pain experienced when she was first diagnosed. We are not sure but are hoping this is shrinkage or some other good effect of being back on chemo.

Tomorrow she'll go for the 2nd chemo treatment but 4th Erbitux treatment for those keeping track. This'll knock her out for a good few days but overall is still less of a burden than the original regime (another "easy for me to say").

We'll ask Doctor Dan what the pain means and perhaps he might have some suggestions although with only external exam it's very hard to be sure what's going on.