Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Cancer Has Resurfaced

Well the title gives away all the surprise I guess. We had our scan on Wed. the 18th and met with Dr. Moriarty on Friday the 20th and the news was not good. The pet/ct had picked up an area of high metabolic activity in the upper right area of my liver. Translation - new tumor growth. From the pet scan we can't tell how big the tumor is so I am going to have an MRI done to determine that. Once we know the details of this we will decide what we are going to do.

The first choices would be rfa (radio frequency ablation), and the second would be the Cyberknife or vice verse, I don't remember to be honest. However chemo, erbitux is still on the table as treatment options.

Now recurrence is pretty common in this whole resection situation. But it doesn't make it suck any less. Honestly I am devastated, crushed and mad.

I would love to go through a few crates of plates and smash them against a wall for a couple of hours. And though I know recurrence happens, and would likely happen to me I cannot for the life of me get into a "positive attitude" frame of mind yet. I just can't. All I can think about is my kids. I can hardly write this blog.

To have the months go by with the NED (no evidence of disease) label, I was slowly feeling human again, and looking that way too. In the last month or so I was allowing myself to kind of think that maybe it's true, that it wasn't going to come back, I was starting to breathe a sigh of relief. I think that is why now I am so upset. I feel like to have it come back brings my chances of beating it way, way down. I cannot grasp onto a modicum of positive thinking.

I don't mean to make this blog so emotional, but for those of you who know me I kind of wear my heart on my sleeve so I cant help it. I am being a baby and I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore. People say oh now's a time to do what you've dreamed to go out and do what you' ve always wanted. Well you know what I was. I am a pretty simple person and I wanted to be a dental hygienist and I just want to raise my kids, I was already doing it.

I am sorry friends this is a horribly written blog. I should have let Fran do it. But I am indulging in some venting I guess.

I will keep everyone posted on the goings on. We won't know anymore regarding the mri and such until after Thanksgiving.


Saturday, November 14, 2009

Rising CEA

Hello friends. Well I haven't posted in awhile because I was waiting for something concrete to post.

I have been doing emotionally, and mentally great. I still battle chronic fatique but that's not really a great concern. Overall I have been doing great.

However my cea level has been rising over the last two months (I get it checked every month). It went from 5 to 10 and is now as of last Wednesday 17. Usually its indicitive of some disease activity going on. We are going to have a pet/ct scan done next week, though I don't know the day yet. The cea level is a tricky thing doctors use it as a guide, not a diagnostic tool. Dr. Moriarty told me he has seen countless patients with cea levels rise and plummet, seen people with little or no viable tumor, and high cea numbers and vice versa.

We may do the scan and nothing may show up. What do we do then? I don't know, we are just going to take it one step at a time.

So it's just something that stinks, and of course we would all like to see the cea at 0 or even a 3. I was pretty crushed on Friday after talking to Dr. Moriarty as was Fran, but I am ready to do what I have to do, but I don't want to do it. I would reaaaaalllly like to stick my head in the sand. The last 6 or 7 months have been such a gift and I greedily don't want to give that up.

Having said that, this is what people with cancer deal with all the time and I just have to "woman up" and deal. So that's what I am going to do.

I keep praying for you all. Please enjoy life, be patient with your kids, and give them lots of hugs, no matter how hold they are.