Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Still Using The "R" Word

Warmest of hello's to my family and friends. I hope all reading this are well, peaceful and happy.

Here I am-December 2014. Though it can change tomorrow or even today, I am still in remission. Three years-still in remission. 
Cancer cells are still flowing around trying to find a place to take hold, which in my weaker moments terrifies me, but in most moments I can brush it off. 

In November of 2011 Dr. Moriarty told me there isn't any clinical evidence of cancer. I think it took me just this past year to be comfortable saying that to people, though maybe it has taken me this long to believe it.  And I am grateful. Most of the time I feel like I am living in a fantasy world. Like I am playing "life," like a child would play house. When I was diagnosed life became mind-numbingly difficult, everything was hard. I was living in a state of constant fear for my life, and no one could tell me it was going to be okay. That is sobering my friends. But today is different. All of that aforementioned stress, fear and anguish is gone.

Can you imagine? I just get to go to work, take care of my kids, go shopping, la, la, la. It's a breeze.

I am grateful for everyday I can wake up and put me feet on the floor. I am grateful that my children and husband, my family, are alive and healthy. 

Everything else. Everything else icing on the cake. 

Life is hard. Life is full of devastation and heartache. But if you stop and pause and take your time to live in the present, you can always find the greatness and kindness of life. Or at the very least find something to make you smile and bring you a moments peace, or healing. If you take the time to be still, be alive where you are, you can find it. 

I cannot ever thank everyone enough, for all the prayers and support through-out these 7 and a half years. I will always be indebted to all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

I continue to be monitored and have my blood checked every 4-6 weeks and my scans will be coming up in a month or so. If you don't hear from me - all is good.

I love you all and thank you for everything. I will continue to try and live my life gratefully in honor of all of you and in honor of all those no longer with us.

God Bless.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

It's All Good

Hello to all my family, friends, and loved ones. It has been such a long time.  As you all my or may not know, my scan schedule is now every six months. I had a full body scan in January and am here to fill you in.

There but for the grace of God go I. My scans were completely clean. Abdomen, chest, pelvis-unremarkable. No signs of metastatic disease. 

When I am blessed to get news like this it takes me time to absorb and contemplate. I never think my scans are going to be good simply because the last scans were. Cancer doesn't work that way. With stage 4 cancer it will never work that way. So it took me awhile to sit down, write and update everyone because I just need time to think, to believe it was true. So I thank you for your patience with me.

I am still seeing Dr. Moriarty every month and get my blood work done. My numbers are still good staying around 4 or 5, without any great leaps into higher numbers thank God.

I am still working two days a week, doing my dental hygiene thing. However my schedule has changed where I work on Mondays and Fridays and that has helped me physically regroup on those days off, as my immune system is crap and I have the stamina of a 90 year old. But that's very cool with me and I'll take it.

Life is great, but it can also be very difficult. I have been thinking so much about these opposing forces. Life is hard, it comes in so many forms, this hardness of life. The burdens we all carry. Be patient with one another because you may not know what heavy burden that person is dealing with that day. Be forgiving, it too, can be difficult, especially with those we love.
When we are on our deathbed, we may have the blessing, or sometimes the curse, of time before you pass.  You want to know you can be proud of your life. I think we all know our lives can never be based on our careers, or money, or things. They will always be based on how we loved and gave of ourselves, especially in the most difficult of circumstances. You can never take material things with you. What you had or didn't have in this life is pointless. But your love, or lack of love for others will remain.

I have thought I was going to die many times over these last years and I have lost so many friends. I am blessed with having some time now to live. I have been trying to live in the moment, in the day I am in, and trying to be concsious of loving, listening and being still. I fail many times. But I keep trying.
Life is such a gift my friends. Please don't sweat the small stuff, it's just not worth it.

Thank you all for your continued love and support. Let's keep praying for each other-we all need it.

Love to all,