Thursday, July 23, 2009

Light in the Darkness is Good

Just a quick post to say my emotional and mental faculties are doing much better.

I am glad to be off of the narcotics (which were necessary at the time) but absolute hell in getting off of in terms of the withdrawal symptoms. After changing my antidepressant about 2 weeks ago and being able to finally sleep through the night I am starting to feel like a stable person again.

I thank God for every single day that I have on this earth. I am so happy to be disease free and I am physically starting to feel pretty decent. We are just gonna take the rest of the summer very slow and very easy. Our family is just gonna eat, sleep, and play. Sounds good eh?

I don't have it scheduled yet but I will have a scan at the end of August (just like my pal Adam) and hopefully our blogs, following the scan reviews, will be glowing with good news.

And Don I know your scans are first. I pray they bring nothing but beauty and that the docs see nuthin.

Much love,

Thursday, July 9, 2009

In Response and an Update

I received a comment from the last blog last night that I just have to respond to. I say this from a place of love but of great passion.

In response to the last comment. I give God all the credit. He blessed all who have helped me with exceptional gifts, intelligence and talents. My surgeon, oncologist, nurses and countless others who have helped me become free of this disease chose to use their talents to help others and in that shines God. God did not give me cancer or allow it but through my free will I was able to pray, cry and beg God along with many others to be merciful and get me well and he has done that through all the people I just mentioned.

God didn't prevent His only Son from dying on the cross either. But through that amazing sacrifice we can now have eternal life through the forgiveness of Jesus Christ.

God has everything to do with my life and He always has. From the smallest detail to the largest event. He loves me and He loves you whether we always feel that way or not. But thanks for your honest feelings.

Now a bit of an update. I haven't posted due to numerous struggles that I have been hesitant to talk about. Things are incredible that is to be very sure. I cannot believe I still do not have cancer. I am very grateful.

However since my last hospitalization in April for severe pain I was put on a lot of very strong narcotics. Since that time up until the present I have been going through the arduous task of getting off of those and dealing with nasty withdrawal symptoms. My pain doctor has been always a phone call a way monitoring me constantly and of course I have my rock Dr. Moriarty who has been staying on top of it all as well. But most mornings when I wake up I feel like a very large sack of crap. I am hoping as all the toxins leave my system this will end.

However I am very mentally drained from all this. (I ask forgiveness for even complaining because I have lost too many friends from this disease lately who would give anything to be complaining about this now). And after this 2.5 year battle I feel a shell of the person I once was. My amazing cancer nurses are telling me how all this if very normal for cancer survivors. Nonetheless I feel horribly guilty for not being, I don't know, for I guess not skipping through the tulips as they say. I am currently looking into a survivor support group. I guess these emotions, compounded with detox of so many substances, and the last 2 years on top of it, it is all crashing down on me at once from a mental and emotional standpoint.

I know this too shall pass. And I continually as God to carry me through this. But yes I have let the thoughts creep in "God why are you doing this to me??" I have always been an optimistic person but now I feel a bit broken and say yes okay "life is very, very hard." And I am finding some days it is very difficult to get out of bed. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Please don't be disgusted with me friends. I know have been given a second chance at life. I am grateful for it. I am on my knees most nights before I go to bed and I say Thank You my Jesus.

Thank you for listening and thank you for your prayers.

With much love,