Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Chemo and Whatnot

Hello family and friends. Nothing exciting happening but I thought I should update what's been going on with chemo and stuff.

As previously posted I was going to have chemo every 2 weeks. After my first infusion on the 9th of April we have now gone to having chemo once a month and erbitux every two weeks. The reason being I was pretty sick and out of commission for over a week with the first treatment. When I went in for the second treatment two weeks later, Dr. Moriarty wasn't having it. Basically he said "no cpt today."

At first I was upset because I just wanted to keep pushing and get it done, though deep down I was relieved. Dr. Moriarty explained that I can't be that sick for that long and just keep getting pumped with chemo because my body will have zero immune system to fight with, along with the fact of having no quality of life. He of course is right as always.

I realized how right he was when I went in for chemo May 7th. I was thinking maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Well it was. I was knocked on my rear for about 10 days. I have always gotten sick from chemo, but this time I feel sicker and physically unable to do much. I stay in bed most of the time just unable to move. That's how it feels. I don't know why but that's just the way it has been going. Then the it just stops. I start feeling normal and it's like nothing happened (theoretically). It has left me quite puzzled. But I am very grateful for the 3 weeks to recover, so like I said Dr. Moriarty is always right.

So I am due again for June 4th. I haven't met with Dr. Moriarty in a few weeks as he has been on vacation, so I don't know what the plan is for the chemo schedule long term. I will be seeing him on the 3rd of June so I will know more then. My CEA still is hovering at 30 or so. It hasn't gone up or down last time we checked, and I assume I will have a scan in about a month or so, and we have an idea if its all working. Which I know it is.

The week long sick time has been really tough on the kids, and our little family in general. I am physically here but not. Mentally to be honest this last round I had, at the end of the week I was feeling emotionally shattered. I lay there trying to tell myself the"chemo is working, you're not dying, you're just sick from the chemo, you're sick from the chemo." But towards the end of the week I feel like a fool, that I'm just kidding myself. Then I see the kids and my heart aches and they are wondering when am I going to start feeling better, and I have no answer. I hate that they don't see me all week. I hate that they know I'm in bed not feeling well. I hate it all.

Then "poof" I don't feel sick anymore, and I can't believe all the terrible things I was thinking and feeling. It is a very draining cycle. But this is the battle of cancer and I am hardly and unfortunately, not alone. I draw such strength from my friends who are battling, who have been on long term chemo for well over a year or more, who are on their 3rd of 4th cancer, who are in clinical trials, who are have exhausted all their options and still live life. And that's what ya gotta do.

As always the support, love and prayers have been amazing, and we are so, so grateful. I know this is so hard on everyone around me, and I thank everyone who continues to sacrifice for us and love us and who keeps on praying for us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
God Bless.