Hello all my family and friends. It has been a year since I have posted and I apologize. I'm doing it now though!
I have had 2 scans since I last posted. The most recent one being this past month. Both, as with the last 15 or so have been clean. I am talking squeaky clean people!
I don't know why I didn't post last time, or the time before. I think my heart wasn't in it. I have been so lucky to be healthy for so long without a recurrence while at same time I was experiencing people my age and younger dying from the same disease. I just felt too conflicted posting my good news I think.
I want to switch gears a bit and speak to a very special group of people. I want to speak to those out there reading this who are going through cancer whether it be late stage or not. Maybe you have just been diagnosed, or been battling for awhile.
I am here for you. Please feel free to contact me. Even if you just need to vent. Maybe you need to say those things that are so hard to express, or have your loved ones understand.
Though you are loved and have well meaning people around you, late stage cancer can be very isolating. The fear and debilitating effects of chemo can bring you to your knees. The knowledge that after all you are putting yourself through with chemo and other treatments, may in fact not net a curative result. It makes you want to give up. You want to stop. Say just forget it. But people will be afraid if you tell them that. Tell you to stay positive. Which is a normal reaction. But your mind is screaming, "I can't do this anymore!" That's what it feels like after awhile. What do you do with those thoughts and feelings that are as real as the air you breathe?
How do you handle when you lose someone you have bonded with, with the same cancer? You think that could be me. That fear feels like ice water in your veins that can stop your heart. Followed by the guilt of thinking that, followed by the guilt of still being alive.
When you see your family suffering and scared and hurting. Adults knowing they could lose you. Your kids seeing you sick. Knowing you can't say, "don't worry honey, I'll get better and it won't come back." That is one of the worst, most sickening feelings I have ever experienced.
You are not alone. I know what your going through. Please don't hesitate to contact me. You shouldn't carry this alone.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.