Another Crystal Clear Hurdle

Well I'll just be out with it then. We met with Dr. Moriarty today. To be honest I was a nervous wreck. By the time we got into the waiting room my heart was pounding in my chest. The last two weeks have been an especially mentally torturous. I just knew there had to be something wrong. I was ready to hear the bad. Did I know what that meant? No. But I was really expecting it.

I thought for sure this time I would be meeting with the chemo nurses, scheduling appts, preparing my family, telling myself to get ready for treatments, get ready to go bald. I couldn't get my head out of this place, that something would be there on the scans.

By the time I was in the exam room waiting for Dr. Dan I was in tears. They just were flowing and I couldn't stop them. Super nurses Kathy and Kim came in and said we just asked Moriarty what the scans were like so you wouldn't sit here suffering and he said "great" that they are "great." I just couldn't believe it. They were like "hey aren't you happy?" and I just was to afraid to believe it.

Then he poked his head in before seeing the patient waiting before me, and said "they're great!" I thought to myself I need to see the scans. I needed to look at that liver.

Then he comes in and puts the report in front of me and says "here look." He points to the last sentence "No evidence of new metastatic lesion." So then of course I go over some organs, "nothing in the ovaries? lung? pancreas?? nothing??? "Karen there's nothing."

"Can I see the scans??????? "

"Yesssss Kaaaren you can see the scans." So my amazing Dr. Moriarty takes me and Fran to the scans and carefully goes over them.

"what's that, that right there?? Those big spaces????

He patiently says "it's air, it's gas Karen." Oh

"okay what's all this crap over here?"

"It's dressing from your surgery that stays in there." Oh

"what's this junk, what's that?"

"it's this and your that." Oh

He compared my old, crap tumor-filled liver to the new liver the incredible genius Dr. Chamberlain gave me. It was a beautiful thing. My new liver has no holes, shadows and scary stuff in it. No cancer. And none anywhere else.


I'm still crying. I'm still stunned. People may think "well your cancer was already gone 6 months ago."
Well I don't know how other people are (who have/had cancer) but for me I live life one day at a time, and for now in every three month intervals, and thats not a complaint but just a fact of life for now, but the main thing is I live. I am so joyously happy. I feel a few more feet away from the nightmare, peeking around corners, carefully taking my steps.

Where would I be without Dr. Moriarty? I don't know. He will never know how much he means to me. He is an amazing, smart, wise doctor, who (in my opinion knows everything) he has saved my life and I love and adore him.

Where would I be without Kathy, Kim, Chris, Sonya, and Gina these nurses who are precious and priceless to me. They have helped carry me, push me and hold me for the last 2.5 years during the darkest time of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you Dr. Chamberlain who is smart, agressive, and cares and respects his patients so much. Thank you for saving my life.

I just want people to know how amazing these people are. They are angels, they are healers, but to them they are just doing their jobs. I thank you God for each and every one of them.

I just want to thank all of you for your continued prayers and support. All of the comments, emails, notes, etc. really do mean so much to me. They fuel me and keep me going. I do continue to pray for you all.

Thank you to my husband and my children for sticking by me and loving me. And to my parents and siblings for all your love and support. Thank you to all my friends and the people who I hardly know who continue to carry and support and pray for me. There aren't enough words.


I am so very grateful, so humbled that I am still here. It does not escape me ever. Thank you merciful God.

With much love,
Karen

Scan Dates

Hello friends. I have my ct scan scheduled for August 26th with the review scheduled for 28th with Dr. Moriarty. When we know the results good, bad or ugly we shall share them with you all. I am hopeful but naturally very apprehensive, which of course does nothing, and produces nothing, but they are emotions I don't think any cancer patient escapes when it's "scan time." Some days I have myself convinced its back, and other days I say to myself there is no way it will ever come back, and so it goes. Please keep us in your prayers.

I am feeling much better physically and mentally. I am tired a lot, but I am also exercising a lot and attributing my fatigue to that at the moment. I really cannot complain. Things are going well.

I would also like to acknowledgthe passing of our friend Christine Niemi. Her blog link is on the sidebar of my blog "coloncancersucksass" which of course it does.

She passed away July 18th 2009. She was 32. She was the first "young" stage 4 cancer patient who I befriended when I was diagnosed, terrified, and frantic to find "someone like me," and of course she befriended me right back. She was a comforting friend to me but didn't mince words about how bad this cancer is or how bad it gets. I loved her honesty. She was an extremely strong woman. Going to graduate school throughout her treatment and lobbying congress about colon cancer prevention, and screening for those who were in need of it and uninsured. You can read about you tenacity, courage, and drive here http://fightcolorectalcancer.org/c3_news/2009/07/c3_advocate_christine_niemi_dies

Christine I will miss having you as a friend and someone who I looked up to. May you be resting peacefully in heaven suffering no longer. My condolences to her family and those grieving her loss.

Let keep praying for each other.

With much love,
Karen

People are Awesome

I have no news here - which is good news right? I just came across this woman's incredible story. She is a tough chick and I love it. I just wanted to post her link here.

http://www.voicesofsurvivors.com/Voices_of_Survivors/Written_Word/Entries/2009/6/8_My_Voice_by_Suzanne_Lindley.html

Defying the odds...yea that's a good thing. That's the club I want to be in.

I love you all. And I am praying for you all too.

Love,
Karen

Light in the Darkness is Good

Just a quick post to say my emotional and mental faculties are doing much better.

I am glad to be off of the narcotics (which were necessary at the time) but absolute hell in getting off of in terms of the withdrawal symptoms. After changing my antidepressant about 2 weeks ago and being able to finally sleep through the night I am starting to feel like a stable person again.

I thank God for every single day that I have on this earth. I am so happy to be disease free and I am physically starting to feel pretty decent. We are just gonna take the rest of the summer very slow and very easy. Our family is just gonna eat, sleep, and play. Sounds good eh?

I don't have it scheduled yet but I will have a scan at the end of August (just like my pal Adam) and hopefully our blogs, following the scan reviews, will be glowing with good news.

And Don I know your scans are first. I pray they bring nothing but beauty and that the docs see nuthin.

Much love,
Karen

In Response and an Update

I received a comment from the last blog last night that I just have to respond to. I say this from a place of love but of great passion.

In response to the last comment. I give God all the credit. He blessed all who have helped me with exceptional gifts, intelligence and talents. My surgeon, oncologist, nurses and countless others who have helped me become free of this disease chose to use their talents to help others and in that shines God. God did not give me cancer or allow it but through my free will I was able to pray, cry and beg God along with many others to be merciful and get me well and he has done that through all the people I just mentioned.

God didn't prevent His only Son from dying on the cross either. But through that amazing sacrifice we can now have eternal life through the forgiveness of Jesus Christ.

God has everything to do with my life and He always has. From the smallest detail to the largest event. He loves me and He loves you whether we always feel that way or not. But thanks for your honest feelings.

Now a bit of an update. I haven't posted due to numerous struggles that I have been hesitant to talk about. Things are incredible that is to be very sure. I cannot believe I still do not have cancer. I am very grateful.

However since my last hospitalization in April for severe pain I was put on a lot of very strong narcotics. Since that time up until the present I have been going through the arduous task of getting off of those and dealing with nasty withdrawal symptoms. My pain doctor has been always a phone call a way monitoring me constantly and of course I have my rock Dr. Moriarty who has been staying on top of it all as well. But most mornings when I wake up I feel like a very large sack of crap. I am hoping as all the toxins leave my system this will end.

However I am very mentally drained from all this. (I ask forgiveness for even complaining because I have lost too many friends from this disease lately who would give anything to be complaining about this now). And after this 2.5 year battle I feel a shell of the person I once was. My amazing cancer nurses are telling me how all this if very normal for cancer survivors. Nonetheless I feel horribly guilty for not being, I don't know, for I guess not skipping through the tulips as they say. I am currently looking into a survivor support group. I guess these emotions, compounded with detox of so many substances, and the last 2 years on top of it, it is all crashing down on me at once from a mental and emotional standpoint.

I know this too shall pass. And I continually as God to carry me through this. But yes I have let the thoughts creep in "God why are you doing this to me??" I have always been an optimistic person but now I feel a bit broken and say yes okay "life is very, very hard." And I am finding some days it is very difficult to get out of bed. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Please don't be disgusted with me friends. I know have been given a second chance at life. I am grateful for it. I am on my knees most nights before I go to bed and I say Thank You my Jesus.

Thank you for listening and thank you for your prayers.

With much love,
Karen

Never Say Never...Uhhhh NEVER!

I am sorry we haven't posted in a bit. But believe me it is worth the wait.

This morning we (Fran and I) went to see my surgeon Dr. Chamberlain to review the CT scans I had done a week or so ago. For me this was going to be the official word, the stamp in my book that said I'm still cancerous or I am not. Because yes, cancer can come back as early as three months post op. And because of this very long recovery I have been experiencing (translation - feeling like crap every day) I didn't feel very disease free, so to speak.

But Dr. Chamberlain came in and said "well your scans are completely clean. You are 100% cancer free." I had nothing anywhere! I read the report and there are no shadows, no "areas suggestive of carcinoma blah, blah, blah." I have a brand new liver thanks to the incredible Dr. Chamberlain and she's a beauty!!!!

I am meeting with my wonderful Dr. Moriarty next Tuesday to talk about the scan there as well and what will happen next. He already had told me he is not putting me on anymore chemo or erbitux anytime soon to give my body a badly, and I mean badly, needed break.

There really are no words to describe how this all feels. This is beyond my wildest dreams. I am overcome with joy, and humility all at the same time. I have been so blessed with really incredible doctors, with really incredible staff since the beginning of this horrific nightmare. My family and friends and strangers from all over have been supportive and loving and caring not just to me but to my husband and my children. I honestly don't know what to say. I really don't. I keep staring at the screen because I am just dumbfounded not just by today but by the last 2.5 years.

I will continue to post of course. I can't say thank you enough times to everyone. I do selfishly ask for continued prayers though, that I never experience a recurrance. That should be an easy one for God right?

I am going to enjoy the rest of the evening hanging out with my hubby in great peace and tranquility.

With a grateful, and humble heart and say thank you.

With much love,
Karen

Happy Birthday Karen!!!

Today is Karen's birthday. Our kids are still a bit young to be blogging so I'll write on their behalf.

What can I say? The past two years stretch out behind us in stark contrast to the years before. We all experience hurdles in life and it's fair to say we are defined by how we respond to those challenges. Karen has been through such a roller coaster of physical and mental highs and lows. Karen's strength has been evident throughout. In what has seemed at times to be a tremendous storm, Karen has been calm and steady. She has maintained a core of faith and always ensured we as a family have been cared for.

Sunday is mother's day, and today is Karen's birthday. I could not be prouder of her. Sydney and Ethan adore their momma. In the way they greet each day, with such joy and happiness, intelligence and adventure, curiosity and innocence, it's a testament to the mother they have in Karen.

We love you babe, Happy Birthday sweetheart.