Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Cancer Has Resurfaced

Well the title gives away all the surprise I guess. We had our scan on Wed. the 18th and met with Dr. Moriarty on Friday the 20th and the news was not good. The pet/ct had picked up an area of high metabolic activity in the upper right area of my liver. Translation - new tumor growth. From the pet scan we can't tell how big the tumor is so I am going to have an MRI done to determine that. Once we know the details of this we will decide what we are going to do.

The first choices would be rfa (radio frequency ablation), and the second would be the Cyberknife or vice verse, I don't remember to be honest. However chemo, erbitux is still on the table as treatment options.

Now recurrence is pretty common in this whole resection situation. But it doesn't make it suck any less. Honestly I am devastated, crushed and mad.

I would love to go through a few crates of plates and smash them against a wall for a couple of hours. And though I know recurrence happens, and would likely happen to me I cannot for the life of me get into a "positive attitude" frame of mind yet. I just can't. All I can think about is my kids. I can hardly write this blog.

To have the months go by with the NED (no evidence of disease) label, I was slowly feeling human again, and looking that way too. In the last month or so I was allowing myself to kind of think that maybe it's true, that it wasn't going to come back, I was starting to breathe a sigh of relief. I think that is why now I am so upset. I feel like to have it come back brings my chances of beating it way, way down. I cannot grasp onto a modicum of positive thinking.

I don't mean to make this blog so emotional, but for those of you who know me I kind of wear my heart on my sleeve so I cant help it. I am being a baby and I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore. People say oh now's a time to do what you've dreamed to go out and do what you' ve always wanted. Well you know what I was. I am a pretty simple person and I wanted to be a dental hygienist and I just want to raise my kids, I was already doing it.

I am sorry friends this is a horribly written blog. I should have let Fran do it. But I am indulging in some venting I guess.

I will keep everyone posted on the goings on. We won't know anymore regarding the mri and such until after Thanksgiving.

Love,
Karen

11 comments:

Lena said...

Oh Karen - I am so so sorry to hear the news... I have tears in my eyes now and cannot even imagine how you and Francis my feel now... There is nothing I can do to make it any less painful to you. All I can do is to keep you in my prayers....

Donna R. said...

Oh my God, Karen, you are not "being a baby." You have every right to feel whatever you're feeling, whether it be sadness or ANGER! Try to remember that your physicians and nurses helped you before and they'll help you again. I'm so sorry that you and Francis have to go through this. Forgive me for saying this but, damn this disease!!!
Donna R.

Don MacLeod said...

Karen…you know my heart.

Air the Grievances, Smash the plates but remember Festivous isn’t complete until you pin Francis.

Hold Fast…
Your “Mandelbaum” brother
Don MacLeod

Anonymous said...

Karen, my heart aches for you. This is so close to my heart and it hurts like crazy. To tell you be strong , don't worry would be ridicilous because there is not a day that I do not worry.

I hate cancer and what it has done to my family and everyone that is touched by it. There is not a day that we do not think about it.

Each and every scan I swear to you I lose 10 years of my life waiting for the results......the fear is overwhelming.

I guess what I am trying to say is break the dishes, worry, but in the end, please, please have hope.

You are so young, I hope and pray to God that you beat this, and one day just look back at all of this is just a bad memory.

I am so sorry and as I am writing tears are just rolling on my face, because my beautiful little sister has to have scans done too, and to say that I am petrefied is the understatment of the century.

Good luck to you with whatever it is you have to do to get rid of this ugly monster.

Always in my prayers.

Love,
Mirjana

Anonymous said...

Karen, I am so sorry!! I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!! Why can't we find a cure? We can go to the moon, why can't we cure cancer? This is so unfair. I can't imagine the stress and torment you must be feeling. Just don't ever give up hope. I'm praying for you and your family.
Love and Hope,
Wendy

Robert Baker, MD said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I am devastated to hear thisnews.My sister told me of the latest posting and i am sitting hear reading this, baling my eyes out. Youdo not desrve this!!!! Stay strong as you always have and keep fighting!!! I love you!!!
Kenda:)

Anonymous said...

I will not say anything new- just another voice- yes, scream, break dishes, but: HAVE HOPE Karen. If you not ready, dont be, allow yourself for the emotions to settle in.
It sucks, and it is unfair. An no one is to blame, and no one will give you a reason why you.
All I can say- my brother had two unrelated cancers, second being red cell sarcoma, one of the worst ones. Its a horrible cancer, but he's been so fine for years, and being close to him, I can say faith is what got him though. Have faith, you are stronger than you think you are. Beat him so hard this time, its NEVER back!

kmc said...

Karen,
it sucks. vent away.
smash plates, play loud music, scream at the sky.
we have those t-shirts here, too.

Know that we are praying...Genna actually told me, the kids must be praying for you at school...I hadn't been to your page in a bit...G is a gentle soul, she is praying for you in her sweet worried way...

and I will pray for you in my not sweet way (!) and be Pissed at cancer with you and send you every good thought/vibe/dance by the light of the moon...

hang in there,
Kristin, Genna & Rosie's mom

Anonymous said...

Hey, love!
I'm sorry that I'm just reading this now. Despite not having visited the blog in a while, you and Fran are on my mind regularly. I was JUST talking about you to a friend. You're in my prayers always.
Peace be with you.
KP

Amy said...

Hey Karen!
I know you know how I feel. You are an amazing person & I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. This is when you need to be stronger than ever, don't give up. I would be happy to throw plates with you, I will even bring them up. Be strong!! Love you, Amy