Thursday, July 9, 2009

In Response and an Update

I received a comment from the last blog last night that I just have to respond to. I say this from a place of love but of great passion.

In response to the last comment. I give God all the credit. He blessed all who have helped me with exceptional gifts, intelligence and talents. My surgeon, oncologist, nurses and countless others who have helped me become free of this disease chose to use their talents to help others and in that shines God. God did not give me cancer or allow it but through my free will I was able to pray, cry and beg God along with many others to be merciful and get me well and he has done that through all the people I just mentioned.

God didn't prevent His only Son from dying on the cross either. But through that amazing sacrifice we can now have eternal life through the forgiveness of Jesus Christ.

God has everything to do with my life and He always has. From the smallest detail to the largest event. He loves me and He loves you whether we always feel that way or not. But thanks for your honest feelings.

Now a bit of an update. I haven't posted due to numerous struggles that I have been hesitant to talk about. Things are incredible that is to be very sure. I cannot believe I still do not have cancer. I am very grateful.

However since my last hospitalization in April for severe pain I was put on a lot of very strong narcotics. Since that time up until the present I have been going through the arduous task of getting off of those and dealing with nasty withdrawal symptoms. My pain doctor has been always a phone call a way monitoring me constantly and of course I have my rock Dr. Moriarty who has been staying on top of it all as well. But most mornings when I wake up I feel like a very large sack of crap. I am hoping as all the toxins leave my system this will end.

However I am very mentally drained from all this. (I ask forgiveness for even complaining because I have lost too many friends from this disease lately who would give anything to be complaining about this now). And after this 2.5 year battle I feel a shell of the person I once was. My amazing cancer nurses are telling me how all this if very normal for cancer survivors. Nonetheless I feel horribly guilty for not being, I don't know, for I guess not skipping through the tulips as they say. I am currently looking into a survivor support group. I guess these emotions, compounded with detox of so many substances, and the last 2 years on top of it, it is all crashing down on me at once from a mental and emotional standpoint.

I know this too shall pass. And I continually as God to carry me through this. But yes I have let the thoughts creep in "God why are you doing this to me??" I have always been an optimistic person but now I feel a bit broken and say yes okay "life is very, very hard." And I am finding some days it is very difficult to get out of bed. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Please don't be disgusted with me friends. I know have been given a second chance at life. I am grateful for it. I am on my knees most nights before I go to bed and I say Thank You my Jesus.

Thank you for listening and thank you for your prayers.

With much love,
Karen

6 comments:

James said...

Hi Karen,
Still cancer free who hoo but I am sorry to hear that you have been having a tough time. Don't be so hard on your self, you have been through so much and it has only been a few months. Once you get past the withdrawal symptoms I am sure things will improve and you will continue to regain your strength. Even I have found it difficult to get out of bed at times and I have a lot less crap to deal with than you!
All the best,
James S.

Anonymous said...

Dearest, beautiful Karen,

Thank you for the update. I have written you a few emails, but I know that you are overwhelemd with everything. Thank God for this blog, there is not a day that I do not check on you.

Please just take care of yourself. You have been through something that no human being should go through.

I have tears in my eyes as I am writing this because this is so close to my heart.

My beautiful little sister has been fightinf too for 3 years and it breaks my heart. I wish I can just hug her and make everything go awya.

Cancer gets not only the person but the whole family. Each time we have to get a scan I can not breathe.

All I can do is just pray for you both that God will heal both of you, both physically and mentally.

You wouldn't be human if it didn't get to you, so don't apologize just get better.

Love always,
Mirjana

Anonymous said...

Karen just had to respond to your blog, always remember that you are the toughest bravest most incredible person I know, and I am continually in complete awe that you have dealt with the last two years in such a positive way, maybe days are hard and you don't feel like getting out of bed, hey girl you're absolutely right!! you've been thru hell and back again,go easy on yourself!!We all have shitty days when life sucks but OMG you really DO have something to complain about. One day at a time is my advice to you, pamper yourself you deserve it. Don't try to be all things to all people, you have major recovery to get through and you need to allow yourself to cope with that. Please God over time the days will gradually improve and there will be little windows of normal life when you feel glad.DOn't beat yourself up for complaining or feeling rotten, you have every right to do so. We are all stunned by your toughness that you have actually survived this and are still here so cut yourself some slack. Rooting for you always with much love and best wishes, Catherine M. (your hubbys sister!)

Anonymous said...

Karen -- When I read your blog, it's the honesty that touches me the most. If it was all skipping through the tulips, I might be a little suspicious. So thank you for sharing your struggles, not just your successes. It's your survival through that pain that lets us see your humanity and know God's blessings through your life. And the blessing we have in knowing you. -- Sharon (Hausam)

Denise said...

Hello! I enjoyed reading your blog. I am surviving Ovarian cancer. Your blog is a real inspiration as I have been dealing with fear, anger and depression lately. I know God will see me through this as well.

paul said...

Hi Karen,
You'll get through this, just like you got through everything else. You're already one step ahead of the game - openly and honestly acknowledging your difficulties. That takes great courage.
Get well from getting well soon!
Paul.